By understanding the Direct vs Indirect Communication Model, you can better align with others instantly for a better outcomes, stronger relationships, and more trust now.
Many years ago, when I began to formally study hypnosis to earn my certification, I learned about a new communication model, which is known as D/I. The D/I model is based on how we "listen" to each other. The reason I needed to understand the D/I model was because all of us respond to hypnotic inductions differently based on how we tend to "listen" to someone speak to us. If I was going to pass my hypnosis certification test, I would be required to know the D/I model and demonstrate how to use it to hypnotize any client. In fact, I've had many people tell me that they've tried hypnosis in the past, but it didn't work on them because the hypnotist was not able to induce them into a trance that would allow them to successfully accept the commands or instructions into their subconscious. I believe that was because the hypnotist was probably not aware of the D/I model. Therefore, they did not successfully tailor their "way of speaking" to align closely with the their client's "way of listening" and the results were less than ideal or effective, let alone successful.
So? What is this D/I model about? Let's take a closer look.
The D/I Communication Model
In this model, the D/I stands for "Direct/Indirect" and there a couple of simple concepts to consider and keep in mind to understand how this particular model works, as follows:
Some people prefer to listen directly to what others say
Some people prefer to listen indirectly to what others say
Anyone that prefers to listen directly, speaks indirectly
Anyone that prefers to listen indirectly, speaks directly
As you can see, based on this model, how we prefer to listen is the opposite to how we prefer to speak and understanding this model can help us become more aware of why it sometimes seems difficult to engage in conversation with some people vs others.
Direct Listeners
These types of people like to hear what you literally say to them without regard to any subtext or hidden meanings that you might be implying with tonality or gesturing, etc. When you are conversing with a Direct Listeners, sometimes they will respond with one of the following phrases:
"Get to the point"
"Stop beating around the bush"
"Just say it already"
"Tell me what you want"
"Spit it out, will ya?"
"What are you saying?"
As you can see, by these examples, Direct Listeners don't really enjoy trying to "figure out" what you mean. They typically have a difficult time determining what you might be implying, <nudge-nudge, wink-wink>. They prefer that you just talk directly to them and literally say what you mean.
Interestingly enough, as the D/I Model outlines, this is EXACTLY the way they prefer to speak to YOU: Indirectly. Remember, the way we prefer to listen is the opposite of they way we prefer to speak or respond.
Indirect Listeners
The other type of people are the Indirect Listeners. These listeners actually prefer to "read between the lines" of what you are saying, always trying to figure out what you mean vs the literal words you are using when you speak to them. They like it when you don't get to the point right away and allow them a chance to put the "puzzle together" of what you saying. They also prefer lots of subtext and supporting details around the main topic you are discussing. As you might imagine, they enjoy listening to you tell a long, detailed story leading up to the main point or "punchline" of the story.
Direct Talkers
As you can probably guess, Direct Talkers prefer to get right to the point and literally say what they mean. They "don't beat around the bush" and they do not "dilly-dally" with there words. They avoid providing any supporting details, unless they are asked. They simply tell you what they are thinking and leave nothing up for interpretation by the listener. In other words, like enjoy being very direct when they speak with you. Their motto is "short-n-sweet"!
Indirect Talkers
The other type of people are the Indirect Talkers. They are never direct or too the point. They enjoy telling stories and providing a lot of supporting details and commentary surrounding the main topic or point they are attempting to make, but never seem to "get there".
They tend to use words like:
Perhaps
Maybe
I'm not sure
Let me think about it
That reminds me of a story
As you can see, they prefer to be noncommittal in their responses and will often provide very vague answers to your questions or tell a long story to make their point.
Simple Formula
As I've already mentioned previously, the way someone prefers to talk is the opposite of how they prefer to listen.
Therefore, you can memorize these two formulas:
INDIRECT TALKERS (ITs) = DIRECT LISTENERS (DLs)
DIRECT TALKERS (DTs) = INDIRECT LISTENERS (ILs)
How Can You Tell?
Often during workshops or classes where I teach this topic, I often get asked:
"Okay, the D/I Model seems simple enough, but how can you tell who is which type?"
In this case, because we only have the two main concepts of "DIRECT" and "INDIRECT" it's not too difficult to answer this question. The trick is being clever enough to ask a question within another question and then paying attention to which of the two questions a person answer: the DIRECT question or the INDIRECT question.
For example, during a personal conversation, the question I often ask to determine if a person is an IL or a DL is:
"Do you mind if I ask you what your middle name is?"
If you look closely, I am actually asking two questions here:
"Do you mind if I ask you a question? (DIRECT)"
"What is your middle name? (INDIRECT)"
Now, you might be surprised to know that roughly half of people will answer with a solid "No", and the other half will answer by simply telling you what their middle name is. If they answer with a "No", then they are answering the first (direct) question, saying that they do not mind if you ask them what their middle name it. That means they are a DL. If, however, they answer by telling you their middle name, then they are skipping past the first question and answering the second (indirect) question. That means they are an IL.
Once you know which type of listener they are within this D/I model, then you can also assume they will speak to you in the opposite way they listen and, therefore, can be ready for it.
Now some people have also told me that, in more of a business setting, they do not feel comfortable asking someone what their middle name is because its a bit too personal, especially during a first meeting with their client, for example.
That's okay because we can take this same idea of asking a question within a question using a more professional topic, such as what someone's title is or where they worked before, like this:
"Do you mind if I ask you where you worked before this job you have now?"
As long as you start the question with "Do you mind if I ask you___?" and include a more appropriate business question, the pattern is still the same and you can figure out quite easily by their response if they are a DL or an IL.
How Can I Use The I/D Model?
Another question I get sometimes is, "How can I use this model for better communication?". Although the answer may not be so simple, there are a couple of key tricks I've learned over the years from using this model, both with my hypnosis client's as well as my business clients.
First, Know Thyself
The first is, know which type of listener/talker YOU are. That's right, even YOU prefer to listen and talk in one of these two ways and being aware of how you tend to listen and talk can help improve your communication skills significantly. The reason is because, both in life and in business, you will encounter many people who will prefer one or the other way of listening/talking and if you don't know which type YOU are, you will tend to have good conversations with about half of those people and not so good conversations with the other people. That is, unless you apply the second trick.
Second, Be Willing to Switch
Let's say you are an IL/DT and you meet someone new who is ALSO an IL/DT. Chances are very high that you will both tend to rub each other the wrong way because you will both talk to each other the way the other one DOES NOT like or prefer. The same goes for a person who is a DT/IL talking with another DT/IL, if not worst.
Therefore, if you know which type YOU are AND then you are able to determine that the person you are talking with is the SAME type as you, then you have an opportunity to SWITCH to being the OPPOSITE typeof them, thus making the conversation smoother and more to their liking.
On a side note, couples in a relationship who are the SAME type as there partner where neither of them ever learn to SWITCH types, tends to have heated arguments or misunderstandings because neither of them talk or listen the way they other prefers and thus often causes on-going friction in the relationship. I believe the same goes for business relationships and if you've ever had a client or vendor that you don't really enjoy talking with, it's probably because you and them are both the same type of communicator and neither of you ever choose to SWITCH.
I imagine some of you might think it's a little unnatural for you to listen/talk in the opposite way you personally prefer, but after using this I/D Model for while, you will get used to it and even may become quite good at switching back and forth quite often, sometimes even in the same conversation with two or more people.
In fact, some of the very best communicators I've worked with over the years can switch from IL/DT to DL/IL at any time to suit the situation and keep everyone comfortable and enjoying the conversation.
What If You Can't Tell What Type They Are?
Sometimes during a conversation with someone new, there is no opportunity to ask the "question within a question" I presented above in a natural way to help you determine which type of communicator they are. So what do you do?
Well, in my experience, I default to being an DL/IT because I've found that both types can handle me talking indirectly with them. Yeah, sure, the DLs don't prefer it, but they can tolerate it long enough until I can figure out that they are a DL and then I can adjust by switching over to being a DT for them.
However, an IL usually CANNOT TOLERATE me being a DT at all. They will typically shut me out right away or argue with me, which starts things on the wrong foot.
Therefore, I always assume the DL/IT type myself until I can I know what type they are and can safely adjust to make the conversation for them mush nicer and the way they prefer.
Next Steps
Okay. You know the D/I Model. You know the formula. You probably even know which type of communicator you are. Now it's your turn to take this new model and go out and try it for your self. Good luck!
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